Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Short story that has potential to become a full book...

Dreamers

Aaron awoke suddenly, sitting up against the wall by his bed. His breathing was quick and heavy, his heart racing, his body drenched in a cold sweat. The dream had been so vivid, so real, and the memory of it was not fading. That was his curse, his cross to bear. His dreams were as much a part of his reality as his waking moments and memories were. More so, on oft occasion.
But lately they’d been getting worse, more vivid, more powerful. This dream was perhaps the worst he’d ever had. He’d been running through a city he’d never seen, heading for some unknown destination that drew him inexplicably onward. He’d felt a desperation, a visceral need to find out what it was that pulled him, barely able to run fast enough to satisfy the urge. He’d been about to round a corner, convinced that we would immediately come into view of the source of his desperation when he had been grabbed and thrown to the ground. In that moment he was jerked awake, reaching towards his destination…
And Rhianna…
Another facet of his nocturnal adventures was his constant companion, Rhianna. As long as he could remember she’d been in every one of his dreams. She was his closest friend, and she wasn’t even real. She was always there, every night. She was Spanish, and slightly older than him. Sometimes it seemed to him that he was in her dreams, because they’d be in places he didn’t recognize with people he didn’t know, but she did. His parents had been astonished when he could speak fluent Castilian Spanish as a young child, and when he tried to explain that he learned it from Rhianna and those dreams where he was in Spain with Spanish-speaking people, their jaws dropped farther. They’d taken him to psychiatrists and he had realized that he was different and that no one really believed him. They couldn’t deny the evidences, but the still didn’t believe him. He’d eventually stopped talking about his dreams with other people.
But now he and Rhianna were in a city neither of them knew, and they’d been there for months, every night. Before now, he’d never had any recurring themes to his dreams outside of Rhianna’s presence. Now, they’d been exploring this city and its streets, following clues that he didn’t understand while awake, searching for something they couldn’t name. Every night, they’d been making progress, getting closer to whatever it was around that corner. She’d been a half-step behind him, hand in his when he’d been hurled to the ground and awakened.
He found himself in his usual dichotomy of feelings, hoping she was ok while chiding himself for caring so much about someone who didn’t exist outside of his REM cycles. Glancing at his clock, he noted that it was nearly time to get up. He stretched, yawned, and rolled out of bed. After getting a drink and rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he grabbed a pen and his dream journal and began to record the dream. He’d been doing this for years, ever since his last psychiatrist had suggested it as a way to make sense of his dreams, search for patterns and meanings and messages. While he’d stopped seeing the shrink, he’d found the dream journal to be fantastically therapeutic , especially through the last few months.
He finished up the journal entry and began to sketch a few of the things he’d seen. He was a decent artist and his journal was full of sketches of places and people. Most of the drawings were of Rhianna, though, as she was the one constant he had. He drew her now as he had last seen her: terrified for him, looking over his shoulder at whoever or whatever had grabbed him. Her dark eyes were wide, her long black hair tousled from running pell-mell through the streets of the foreign city, her mouth open in the start of a scream. She was beautiful, in a way that he had never seen in anyone else, and he felt a familiar twinge of pain and regret as he gazed on the face he only saw while unconscious.
He’d dated other girls, had had some steady relationships, but that twinge he felt stopped him from ever fully opening up to any of them. He hadn’t spoken of Rhianna to anyone since he was about 10, so he’d never been able to give a good explanation for ending those relationships. He was 21 years old and his parents were still trying to encourage him to date and find someone, telling him that there were plenty of great girls out there that would be good for him if he’d just give them a chance. He didn’t know how to give anyone that chance. He tried, he really did, but every night when he saw Rhianna it would call to his mind how no one ever measured up, and he would give up.
He shook his head at those thoughts and got up to start his day. He was used to this, resigned to his lot in life. Even so, nagging away at him was the worrisome question, why? Why was he in that city? Why had he started to dream of it every night? And why was he drawn to that location, even now, while awake?
A few days and several returns to the unfamiliar city later, he found himself with a close friend who had just returned from a two-year trip to Italy. They spent some time catching up, swapping stories of their separate lives during the time they’d been apart. Then his friend pulled out a photo album. Aaron listened as his friend described the places he’d been and the people he’d met, wondering at the experience. As he gazed on the photos of ancient ruins and verdant countrysides, he saw an image that nearly stopped his heart mid-beat. Barely able to breathe, he pointed, finger shaking, at the print.
“Where is that?” He asked.
“It’s a city called Cagliari, on the island of Sardegna. Why? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his friend laughed.
“I’ve seen in before,” Aaron replied absently, “in a dream…”
“Yeah? That’s pretty crazy. Maybe you saw it in a movie r something first and then it showed up in your dream?”
“Could be,” Aaron replied. He didn’t really believe it, though. This was the city he’d been seeing eery night for months. This was the source of the pull. Now that he’d seen it, now that he knew that it actually existed, he had to go there.
Remembering something, he turned to his friend. “You said you were going back soon, right?”
“Yeah,” his friend replied, “I’m going back in a coupla weeks with my folks.”
“Will you be going to this place, what’d you say, Cagliari?”
“Yeah, we’re planning on it, why?”
“I’m coming with you.” Aaron’s tone was firm and decided, and took his friend by surprise.
“What? I mean, yeah, sure you can come, but are you sure you want to?”
“More sure than I’ve ever been of anything. I have to see this city.”
He could tell his friend wasn’t quite sure about this sudden interest, so he continued, “I can’t really explain, I just really want to go.”
It took his parents by surprise when he asked if he could go on a month trip to Italy, but he had the money and he had the time, and in the end he wasn’t asking their permission. They were equally intrigued and confused by his spontaneous desire to travel, but he was adamant about it and they finally wished him well.
The next few weeks dragged on as he waited to go, to find out what lay around that corner in Cagliari. He packed and repacked his bags, read his dream journal entries over and over, turning into a nervous wreck. Finally the day came to leave, and while he knew that he would have to wait a few days more before they got to Sardegna, since they were going to visit some locations in mainland Italy first, his excitement could barely be contained.
He passed those days in a blur, barely noticing what was around them. They visited Rome, Venice, and Sicily, but he wasn’t in the frame of mind necessary to enjoy or even notice the wonders of his surroundings. The pull overwhelmed him, drew his gaze ever to the west.
Finally the day came. Together with the family of his friend, he boarded the boat that would take them to the island of Sardegna. When he first set foot in Cagliari, he was flooded by feelings of déjà vu. This was exactly what he’d been seeing in his dreams for all these months. He began to run, following the path that he knew would lead him to that corner he’d never been able to round. Something was wrong, though, nagging in the back of his mind as he ran. He realized that he was holding his hand out and slightly behind him like he had every night in his dreams, but this time there was no hand clasped in his. Feeling foolish he dropped his hand and continued running on.
He finally found himself in the courtyard where he’d always ended up, where’d he’d been grabbed and thrown every night since that first night he’d found the corner. There, ahead of him was the formation of bricks that marked the turn from the courtyard into what looked to be a small alley. He stopped, overwhelmed by the full significance of what was happening to him.
Taking a deep breath, he started forward, gaze focused on the corner that had haunted his nights. His footing faltered as he felt a twinge of fear from some unknown source. He took another deep breath, squared his shoulders and continued forward.
In retrospect, the hand on his shoulder shouldn’t have come as such a shock, but as he was grabbed he yelped and whirled around, terrified by the though that his dream was coming true.
When he turned around, he found himself staring at the face he knew better than his own. This time, his heart did stop as her mouth opened to form his name.
“Aaron?”
It had never occurred to him that if the city from his dreams existed that the girl from those same dreams could be equally real.
“Rhianna…”

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Stuff

So here's looking at you kid...
Sitting here in the institute listening in on some conversations that are going on, participating when I feel the need. I really have become bored with the internet in a lot of ways. I can't find any cool MMO's that please me, I never know what I want to look up, Facebook doesn't entertain me for very long periods of time, and it definitely doesn't satisfy. Odd that. So I just browse for things to do, and as I said recently, I remembered that I had this here and wanted to try it out for a bit.
So yeah.
So people are stupid. I know a lot of rather intelligent individuals, but people as a whole are really stupid. Case in point, the current administration. Voted in by ignorant and above all stupid people. I mean, seriously. I wanna see someone run for President without making impossible claims. I'd vote for him in a heartbeat, just for being honest. I mean, nothing else has really worked for us, so lets try something new: an honest and straightforward administration. Imagine this. The candidate's campaign promises are that he will do everything in his power for the good of the country and its people. The end. No promising to be out of debt in x amount of time or out of the war in y years or bullshiz like that. I mean, there is obvious a large amount of information about the way the government works and what we have available to us and how our relations are with the world that isn't privy to anyone until they become the president. A first-year rookie senator isn't gonna know beforehand what he's gonna be handed when he gets elected, plain and simple. I mean, he even made the official statement after being elected that he was aware that he'd made promises he couldn't possibly keep. I mean, lets get everyone out of Guantanamo right away. yeah right. I mean, seriously. Its like campaign promises made when people run for student body office at their high school. "I'll get vending machines put in every hallway and free pizza in the cafeteria for everyone!" Ummm.....duh. Not happening. Ever. But everyone votes that way cause they have this irrational trust in promises made by people running for any office. I have an idea. I'll run for president and just Topper my way through the campaign. My opponent says he'll reduce the debt? I'll claim that I'll turn the deficit into a surplus, start government industries to make money and give it to every citizen. No more taxes america! who wouldn't vote for that? I would...if I could be shown that it is not only viable but that its actually going to be done. Cause I make a point of using my God-given intelligence to rationally and logically think about the things people say to me. Duh.
-Z

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

it seems...

(song I wrote in my emo days)

It seems the sky grows darker every day

It seems as though this cloud will never fade away

It seems like it is always cold

It seems I have no choice

That I'll always be this way

And it seems as though I've lost you

It seems the you don't care

It seems that you're too far away

To hear my cries from there

It seems as though I'm all alone

It seems that my joy is gone

It seems as though I'll never love again

It seems my life will never be the same

It seems you weren't the one

And it seems as though I've lost you

It seems that you don't care

It seems that you're too far away

To see my tears from there

But it seemed that we were happy

It seemed that we had love

It seemed that there was something more

Something towards which we strove

And it seems we had perfection

It seemed there was no wrong

It seemed that we would last forever

But baby its been so long

And it seems as though I've lost you

It seems that you don't care

It seems that you're too far away

To feel my pain from there

And it seems that you're beyond my grasp

Beyond my sight, beyond my voice

It seems that you're retreating

Farther every day

It seems my heart is broken

And that is why I say

That it seems as though I've lost you

It seems that you don't care

It seems that you're too far away

Just too far away

Why'd you have to go so far

From me?

The nature of Reality

(song lyrics I wrote a long time ago)

Perception

The way we view reality

Senses

The means of experience

The paradigm

Of reaction is wrong

Our perception creates our reality

Cat in a box

Is it dead or not

There is no way to tell

Till we collapse the wave

Possibilities fade

And we're left with what we see

We view our world as matter

But its mostly empty space

Isolated energies

Each in its own place

The confusion we feel

Is easily healed

Once we understand that there's

A Cat in a box

Is it dead or not

There is no way to tell

Till we collapse the wave

Possibilities fade

And we're left with what we see

So open the box

Collapes the wave

Make a choice

Find your way

Open the box

Observe the state

Of your possibilities

Make a choice

Shift paradigms

And raise your voice

Use your will

To change the world

Short Story

This is based on the cover of Turn the Page by Metallica

On a long and lonesome highway


The roar of the motorcycle filled his ears, the only sound possible to hear through his helmet. His long hair blew out behind him in the night air


East of Omaha


The flatlands of Nebraska whizzed by him on either side, hardly a hill or ridge to break the monotony of the landscape


Listenin to the engine moaning out its worn-out song


The drone of the bike changed in pitch as he accelerated. Experience let him know that the bike was working fine, as it should be. His bike was all he had to care about, and all that seemed to care about him. His bike, and his music. He knew the better that he cared for the bike, the better care the bike would take of him.


You think about the woman, or the girl you knew the night before


His nomadic life left plenty of women behind. Hed never found someone that would be happy living off the back of a motorcycle and in cheap motel rooms, never staying in one place for longer than a week. Only recently had this started to bother him, to eat away at his iron exterior.


But your thoughts will soon be wanderin, the way they always do


His mind wandered back to the reason and purpose for the way he lived, for his wandering. A face swam into the field of view of his minds eye, a beautiful face. Her eyes stared deep into his, a connection that was much deeper than mere physical attraction. Hed met her after one of his concerts, and, oddly enough theyd spent all night talking, discussing topics deeper than hed ever been able to talk about with another person. By the time the sun rose he knew he was in love, but she was gone. All he had left was a first name. Rory the word spoken aloud barely reached his ears but still reverberated deep within him. He didnt know where she lived or what she did or really who she was but he loved her.


When youre ridin 16 hours, theres nothing left to do


That had been three years ago. He had pleaded with his manager to delay the tour, give him a chance to find her again, but he had a schedule to keep. For the first 6 months he tried everything he could, phone calls, brief visits to the small town where he had met her, but all anyone could tell him was that she was a drifter herself, had only arrived a few days before he had and had left before his tour bus had rolled out of town.


And you dont feel much like ridin, you just wish the trip was through


That was when he had left the band, taking only his guitar and his share of the last concerts take. Hed bought the bike, helmet, leather jacket and chaps, and a backpack.


And here I amOn the road again


So now he traveled from town to town. Everywhere he stopped there was a club or a bar waiting, set up and ready for him to perform.


And here I amUpon a stage


He would plug in his guitar and play and sing and when he couldnt sing or play anymore hed go to tha bar and theyd give him food and beer and hed eat and drink until he was tired and theyd send him to a room.


And there I goPlayin the star again


Sometimes there was a girl or two who would talk to him, giggling and slapping at his shoulder. He didnt care. They didnt care who he was, only what he was, and they were never interested in coming with him, living his life so he turned away and eventually theyd give up.


And there I goTurn the page


And the next day he was gone again, off to the next place, his next destination in his search for her, the only girl he was sure he could love and live with.


So you walk into this restaurant, all strung out from the road


This gig, this town was so indefinable from the rest. He parked his bike, unstrapped his guitar and walked in through the door. The place was a dive, a diner and bar with a small platform in the corner with a microphone and an amplifier already set up.


And you feel the eyes upon you, as youre shakin off the cold


They always stared. His long hair and worn out and tired eyes seemed to captivate people, some enamored, some repelled.


You pretend it doesnt bother you, but you just want to explode


He always walked straight to the stage, never turning his eyes to either side. He wanted so badly to stare back, to silence the silent stares. But he didnt. He had a job, he had a mission. He didnt have time to bother with these people. He would entertain them and they would succor him and then their brief and unpleasant relationship would end. And if some changed their opinions of him, then fine. He didnt care.


and most times you cant hear em talk. Other times you can


There were always whispers, behind hands and across tables. Rarely did he catch the words being said, but on occasion someone would speak up, as if daring him to hear and respond.


All the same old clichés, is it woman, is it man


Most of the time it was a comment about his appearance, his hair, his clothes. He hated it, hated them for their intolerance, their cruelty. But he held his silence, content to merely finish his set and get on his way. These kind of people, the ones who spend their nights in bars and seedy diners needed someone to look down on anyway. It might as well be him. They didnt understand, nor would they. It wasnt his problem, not once he got started playing.


And you always seem outnumbered, and you dont dare make a stand


He reached the stage and took his guitar out of its case. He took as good of care of it as he did his bike. The guitar was his ticket to his travels, for it brought him the money and the food and lodging. Though he knew that if he swiped his debit card through an ATM there would be enough to buy most of the town, he took a certain pleasure from paying his pay his way through his travels. Everything he had, everything he did coming from within him.


Make your stand


And now here he was, on the stage, guitar in hand. He played a few notes, tightened or loosened the strings until the notes resonated perfectly in his ears. He took a deep breath. Here was where he would defy the universe, defy everyone and everything that oppressed him.


Out there in the spotlight, youre a million miles away


The music enveloped him, removing the years and the wear and tear, removing his cares and his sorrows and leaving peace, emptiness.


Every ounce of energy, youre tryin to give away


He always poured everything he had into the music, emotions and thoughts giving his song life and power.


As the sweat pours out your body, like the music that you play


These gigs took so much out of him, but maybe that was the wrong way to look at it. Rather, he put so much of himself into his performances that he never had anything left. When he was done hed stumble to the bar and eat and drink whatever was set in front of him, unable to taste or feel much of anything.


Later in the evening, as you lie awake in bed


He lay alone in the dark, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. His mind was empty, remembering nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing but emptiness.


With the echoes of the amplifiers ringin in your head


He couldnt remember anything of the evening except the music, the sound, the energy. He wasnt even sure which songs hed played, or if hed even played more than one. He never remembered. Wasnt even sure if he really knew any songs at all anymore. It didnt matter. No one said anything, and in the morning there was money and breakfast and the open road.


You smoke the days last cigarette, rememberin what she said


Once again, her face hove into view, unbidden but welcome. She hadnt been there, he was certain. He hadnt seen her, but hadnt really expected too. She was never there, and he sometimes wondered, despaired of ever finding her. His love for her had become a love for the hunt, for the search to find her. He loved her for this, for the all the pain and misery he felt this was a life that he had chosen, that he could so easily change, simply going back to his former existence. The band would take him back, and he could have a house and a bed again, could live as other people do. The fact that he could go back made this life all the better ,all the more worth it.


And here I am, on the road again,


And here I am, upon a stage


And there I go


Playing the star again,


And there I go,


Turn the page


And as he began to drift off into the empty sleep of one who has exhausted all emotion, the door of his room opened and she walked in, exactly as he remembered her.


And here I go, turn the page

Day Of Reckoning



Hanging still and silent

Motionless in the void

A vast armada lurks

Preparing for a war

Unseen, unsensed, unnoticed,

Until it is too late

The fleet begins its fatal run,

A day that has long been awaited

This is the day of reckoning

When armaments and skill are matched

This is the day of reckoning

A plan long ago hatched in the minds of madmen hellbent on domination

This is the day of reckoning

A day full of destruction

The darkness flashes with sudden light,

The first barrage let loose

the victim fleet caught unawares

Their defenses are of no use

Decimated, they regroup

To launch a counterattack

A thousand lazy, careless years

Their discipline grown too lax

And

This is the day of reckoning

When armaments and skill are matched

This is the day of reckoning

A plan long ago hatched in the minds of madmen hellbent on domination

This is the day of reckoning

A day full of destruction

Fire flashes in the endless night

Each burst a dozen lives

Eternal screams in an eternal void

Cutting him like knives

He arrives, leaps to the fray

His craft nimble and quick

Racing past flash-frozen corpses

The carnage makes him sick

But he swallows his misgivings

Sometimes you have to kill

In defense of friends and family

Oppressed beyond their will

Because

This is the day of reckoning

When armaments and skill are matched

This is the day of reckoning

A plan long ago hatched in the minds of madmen hellbent on domination

This is the day of reckoning

A day full of destruction

His arrival turns the tide

Victims become victors through his fire

The oppressor Navy, near destruction

Of the battle begins to tire

So they retreat to whence they came

Nursing a diminished fleet

Back to the dark corners of the galaxy

Defeat, a tang in the mouth bittersweet

This is the day of reckoning

When armaments and skill are matched

This is the day of reckoning

A plan long ago hatched in the minds of madmen hellbent on domination

This is the day of reckoning

A day full of destruction

This is the day of Reckoning

Darker side of me


In the deepest recesses of my mind there dwells a monster

A demon foul and unclean

A creature born of the darkness

Tempting for every dark thing

He feeds on my depression

Strongest when I am weak

And when he escapes from regression

His persuasion at its peak

Its then that I succumb

Give in to my adversary

Acquiesce to these temptations

From the darker side of me

And when I fall prey to my demons

And things fall out of my control

My actions then I will regret

I just want you to know

Its then that I succumb

Give in to my adversary

Acquiesce to these temptations

From the darker side of me

And now that I am back again,

Back to the me you knew

My actions beg the question

Who is suppressing who?

Cause

Its then that I succumb

Give in to my adversary

Acquiesce to these temptations

From the darker side of me

you know

You'd think that the content of my first entry would have logically led to a plethora of posts between then and now...wouldn't you?
I dunno what it is that keeps my from posting regularly. Just laziness, I guess. And yet, all the time I get to the point where I've checked my email, checked facebook, done my homework...and have nothing to do and I never think about writing in my blog. So random. And now I have little to say. I'll post a few songs that I have on my laptop here. Enjoy
-Z

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A new start

So I've started a blog before, and really just lost the drive. But that was a long time ago, so we'll see how this new one goes. I don't really have a theme or a subject or anything of that nature. More literally this'll be my place to let out all the creative juices and urges and desires and whatnots that have been pent up in me. I'll post some original prose, songs that I've written, things like that. So we'll see how this goes. I aim to please, but I mostly aim to please myself. You don't like what I write? Well, you've just discovered the secret to making the world an interesting place. How awful would it be if everyone liked the same things, thought the same way, had the same interests? It would suck, that's how awful it'd be. The fact that I despise country music doesn't diminish the fanbase's love for it, it just hightens it. Shows that they can be their own people with their own tastes in crappy music. It's like that shirt, you know, the one that says "you laugh cause I'm different, I laugh cause you're all the same"?. What if everyone wore that shirt? Kills it, doesn't it. Ironically, I remember days in high school where more than one person wore that shirt on the same day. I laughed. Anywho, I'm gonna wrap this up. Enjoy!
-Z